Yöung Törless (with cock-rock inspired umlauts over BOTH O's) was born in Vienna, Austria in 1906 but ironically raised in King Of Prussia, Pennsylvania. Törless spent the long greuling days of his youth slaving at the first Auntie Anne's Pretzel Stand in the then newly-constructed King of Prussia Mall, where he gave a new definition to the term 'pretzel dog'. Our budding anti-hero occupied his long lonely nights masturbating to the then newly-printed J.C. Penny's catalog, a boyhood habit that has followed him to this day.
D.J. I Have No Friends:
D.J. I Have No Friends, née Chaim Jewerstien, is an experimental D.J., currently doing his residency at the prestigious Kyoto club "Konichiwa"
Eschewing tradition D.J. tools such as vinyl and turn-tables, D.J. I Have No Friends plies his trade in fecal material, first gaining prominence with his now infamous "Donkey Shit vs. Human Wasabi Shit"
mashup that had London's underground arts scene projectile vomiting for days.
D.J. I Have No Friends hopes to one day work with pop (poop?) ingénue Mandy Moore, who he describes as "[his] muse". Ms. Moore, when asked for comment, described D.J. I Have No Friends as "[her] stalker and worst nightmare".
Jesus Henry Christos:
What can be said about Jesus Henry Christos that hasn't been said before? Plenty. Here's a few things that you didn't
know about your erstwhile savior and current blasphemer:
Currently in his second coming, appearing on Earth as David Blaine. Miracles performed every night at 9 P.M. at the MGM Grand, but nobody cares. Even re-crucified himself over the river Thames in London only to be met by endless jeering. Dejected, returned to his cramped room at the Holiday Inn and ordered Spectravision.
Never had sex with Mary Magdalene, but would have if she looked like Monica Bellucci. Mary Magdalene wasn't exactly the Charlie Sheen type.
In The Crease:
In The Crease originally wanted the username I Drink My Own Urine but it was taken. Born in scenic Churchill Manitoba (the polar bear capitol of the world), In The Crease insists that he is the love child of Ferdinand Marcos and Grace Jones. Both deny such allegations, with Marcos going on to say in comically accented English, "Are you asking me if I've had sex with Grace Jones? You better fucking believe I did! And I'll do it again too...but this 'In The Crease' chap freaks me the fuck out. Anyway, I've never even been to Canada".
Dr. Frederick Douglass Crunk M.D.:
Dr. Crunk is very excited and honored to be the understudy of Jean Val Jean in the Philadelphia production of Les Miserable. Dr. Crunk studied both medicine and hooking up with your grandmother after being freed from slavery. Quickly losing his medical license, Dr. Crunk also became disenchanted with the corporate nature of grannyphilia, leaving him with nothing better to do than blog.