Monday, May 23, 2005

Need to play more pool

I really need to start playing more pool. After catching a match on ESPN today, I discovered another knock-out billiards player. In addition to Jeanette Lee, who has received much press in the past due to her dominating playing and good looks, I saw a woman named Jennifer Barretta.

I need a pool table post-haste and some balls stat. A rack of billiard balls and a cue wouldn't hurt either.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Worth his weight in pizzas

Apparently, pizza is a highly sought after currency in Australia. A prison gaurd was held hostage by inmates and was released in exchange for 20 pizzas. One line in the article that really concerned me, and my faith in the Australian corrections people, is that "...authorities caved in to demands for pizza."

That they "caved in to demands for pizza" when a fellow guard was being held hostage kind of worries me. Think about it from the point of view of the hostage.

Inmates: "We have a few demands, mate."

Negotiators: "We hear you, what do you want. Money, a getaway car, political freedom, whatever you want, just don't harm the hostage, mate."

Inmates: "Ok, write this down...we want five pepperoni, five cheese, five supremes, four veggies, and one with soy cheese, mate."

Negotiators: "Whoa, if we're talking pizzas, forget it, mate."

Hostage: "What the fuck! Here's my credit card, order in, mate!"

Once it was agreed that pizzas would be delivered, negotiators pushed for only 10 pizzas. But after the finger of the hostage was sent out as a warning, they "caved in" for the entire 20. The finger was later recovered from a bowl of Wendy's chili.

Unfortunately, one hostage was lost when the pizzas didn't arrive in 30 minutes or less.

After the hostage was released, and in subsequent interviews with the head negotiator, it was later revealed that the guard who was held hostage owed the negotiator money.

Friday, May 06, 2005

you think you can catch keyser soze?

Originally uploaded by jhc.
via the bbc:

A fugitive domestic cat suspected of carrying rabies must be killed, Chile's highest court has said.

The Supreme Court upheld an earlier ruling saying Luz, an angora cat from Valparaiso, should be decapitated.

Now police are searching for Luz after she escaped from an animal detention centre in the port city, west of the capital Santiago.

this cat is the baddest motherfucker of all time. if an entire country (especially one that doesn't have the friendliest of histories) was trying to fucking decapitate me, i would be shitting in my pants. this cat's all like, 'get the fuck off me!' and just strolls out of jail. she doesn't even have opposable thumbs, yet she is fully capable of escaping from jail. this amazes me.

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Thursday, May 05, 2005

Is It Lactose Free or Not? Air France

I recently traveled abroad to Prague, Czech Republic. My mode of transportation: Air France. Overall, the airline was very good. They even had attractive stewardesses. The food, however, was a different story for me.

The food itself looked appetizing, for those without the intolerance. The main courses had a cream sauce, the sides included a hunk of cheese, milk, yogurt, and the dessert was usually a cream filled something or other. Don't get me wrong, it looked great. And having not eaten in 8 hours, it tasted pretty good, too. However, even with the Lactaid pills, let's just say that the person sitting next to me probably wished there was better ventilation in the plane.

The final verdict: no, Air France food is not lactose free. 5 Lactaid pills per meal.

Aside: The people in France are as rude as they are depicted in movies/shows. And they smell like that cartoon skunk. Well, let's call a spade a spade, I probably did too after traveling for 10 hours.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

shh shhh had me at 'overly sexual'


boingboing points to what started out as the greatest moment in texan cheerleading-related legislative history (and as a student of the field, believe me, the lineage is both long and distinguished), only to turn into the worst:

"Girls can get out and do all of these overly sexually performances [in cheerleading routines], and we applaud them...[ed: YES! FINALLY, we are in complete agreement on something!]...and that's not right," [ed: FUCK!] said Democratic Rep. Al Edwards, who filed the legislation. Edwards argued bawdy performances are a distraction for students resulting in pregnancies, dropouts and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Ribald performances are not defined in the bill. "Any adult that's been involved with sex in their lives, they know it when they see it," he said.

wait, since when have distraction, pregnancies, dropouts, and stds been bad things in texas? isn't herpes your state bird?

but seriously, maybe you got it all wrong democratic representative al edwards. just maybe...

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Fear can hold you prisoner... Hope can set you free...

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

A couple more funnies:

"Happiness is like peeing in your pants.
Everyone can see it, but no one feels the warmth as you do." (J.Tilse)

"When someone asks me what I think, I tell them: 'I think all of the meat around a pig's ass is pork.' " (Tim Early)

In other news, Boy finds snake in cereal packet.. let the jokes ensue.

(pic by satanslaundromat)

religion, marriage, divorce, sex, etc., etc., ad nauseum....and jaywalking?


even more infoporn on relationships! what the hell is wrong with me these days?

these stats are via the harper's index:

Ratio of ultra-Orthodox jaywalkers in Israel to secular jaywalkers: 3:1

Percentage of born-again U.S. Christians who have been divorced: 35

Percentage of other Americans who have been: 35

Chances that the divorce of a born-again Christian happened after he or she accepted Christ: 9 in 10

Estimated number of young Christians in 1995 who had pledged to wait until marriage for sex: 2,500,000

Estimated percentage who waited: 12

(pic is of a mononoke-esque streetmeme that i've been seeing everywhere these days...this one was by chris's cafe.)

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Fin Fang Foom fears nothing..

except perhaps the wrath of Benedict XVI (especially since Fin Fang Foom is green)

The new pope is in cahoots with the Grand Ol' Party:
Not only did the new pope intervene against Kerry in the 2004 election campaign, but "notice that Satan was almost never mentioned by Ratzinger, despite the fact that he remains at large and is unlikely to be captured any time soon." (Repopelican by defective yeti)


"slow motion is better than no motion"

(by Common and Kanye)

The Bad Review Revue compiled by defective yeti

A Lot Like Love: "To call A Lot Like Love 'dead in the water' is an insult to water." -- Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES

The Amityville Horror: "How dare anyone put this piece of crap in front of me? How dare anyone put it in front of you?" -- Stephanie Zacharek, SALON.COM

xXx - State of the Union: "So primitive, it must have been written in lizard blood on animal skin." -- Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST

Cursed: "The best thing that can be said about Cursed is that it's scarier than Teen Wolf Too." -- Nicholas Schager, SLANT MAGAZINE

King's Ransom: "Dumber than the worst UPN sitcom." -- Elizabeth Weitzman, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

The Jacket: "The characters are so flat and the dialogue so dull you expect it to be one of those movies whose existence is justified by a big final twist. But it's three days after the screening, and still no twist. Maybe it's coming in the mail?" -- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

heal the world

continuing with the theme of boners and paris hilton, check out this interview:


AP: So how would you describe your occupation?
Hilton: I don't know. I'm an actress, a brand, a businesswoman. I'm all kinds of stuff.

AP: If you had to pick just one...
Hilton: An actress.

AP: So all of this — the partying, the modeling, the reality show — was just your journey to an acting career?
Hilton: Yeah, I guess.

AP: Do you read what's written about you? Do you pick up the tabloids?
Hilton: I don't read any of it. I just look at the pictures to see what I was wearing last week and if it was cute.

AP: Do you read blogs?
Hilton: What's that?
AP: Um, they're these things on the Internet where people write about news and stuff.
Hilton: No, I don't really read anything on the Internet except my AOL mail. I don't like people who sit on computers all day long and write about people they don't know anything about.
AP: Paris, you just described my job.

AP: What did you want to be when you were a little girl?
Hilton: A veterinarian, but then I realized I could just buy a bunch of animals.

its a good thing paris hilton is a hot bitch because otherwise she would just be a bitch. i wonder if she ever thinks about poverty, social security, or global warming. well as long as my parents die young and i get a good tan, then these problems are like solved right? well paris, just keep being a fucking whore and the world shall be a better place.

save $$ on therapy..

so i've thrown in the proverbial towel and am writing my first blog entry.. was grappling with ambivalent feelings of blog as narcissistic tool to feed ego and construct of self as entertaining and intelligent to the masses vis-a-vis blog as quasi-proletarian tool to enrich true community building and foster positive relationships..

then, i thought, fuck it - i am a self-involved megalomaniac with nothing better to do than toss around polysyllabic words and waste your time.

the real impetus for the blog breakdown was an article i came across in today's ny times' science section which presents findings that "parents take better care of pretty children than they do ugly ones."

"When a woman was in charge, 4 percent of the homeliest children were
strapped in [to safety belts in cars] compared with 13.3 percent of the most attractive children... Homely children were also more often out of sight of their parents, and they were more often allowed to wander more than 10 feet away."

so there you have it.. jan brady syndrome has been scientifically validated (though by the canucks) and is coming to a dsm-iv near you..

u-g-l-y you ain't got no alibi, you ugly, uh uh..

thank god, i'm gorgeous.. peace.


food pr0n

Originally uploaded by jhc.
i'm a celibate vegetarian who doesn't watch tv, but this picture of paris hilton stuffing her face with a giant hamburger still gives me an instant and quite painful boner. what does this mean?

via the superficial.

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i.q. and relationships

construction math

while trying to power through my rss-backlog, i tripped over this month-old marginal revolution post pointing to an absolutely crazy study on childhood i.q. and eventual marital status:

In one study, four British universities measured the IQ of 900 11-year-olds and revisited them 40 years later to see how their lives had moved on.

They found that the brighter girls were less likely to find a man who wants to marry them, with their chances diminishing dramatically in direct proportion to their level of intelligence.

For each 16-point rise in their IQ, their marriage prospects fell by 40 per cent.

In contrast, boys' chances increased by 35 per cent with each 16-point rise.

after much internal debate, i decided to leave the expected misogynistic humor as an exercise for the reader. please commence with the tom-foolery via comments.

if you want a copy of the article but don't have access, drop me an email and i'll send you one -- the discussion section is pretty interesting.

in any case, if you are a girl w/ an i.q. atleast 2 sigmas above the norm -- and you got a bangin body -- holla at a nigga.

jesus '332%-more-likely-to-get-married-than-your-dumb ass' christos.

(pic is of some construction numbers in big bro's stairwell. pic taken by little bro.)

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Monday, May 02, 2005

fat chicks need love too

in thailand, where apparently 12% of their economy comes from the sex industry (kudos jhc), the locals have crowned their miss jumbo queen 2005!

The annual contest, which aims to raise awareness and money for Thailand's dwindling elephant population, allows full-sized women weighing over 176 pounds to show weight-conscious Thais that big is beautiful.

all hail miss Tarnrarin Chansawang:

fat chicks
"I want to show people that just because I'm fat doesn't mean I'm any less beautiful or talented," said winner Tarnrarin Chansawang, who weighed in at 242 pounds.

fellas, shes 18!! i aint scurred to have some bulgin in my lovin . . .to grab on to some cushion while im pushin. as a wise man once said, "be not afraid . .. . BANG ON!"

Sunday, May 01, 2005

i reminisce for a spell, or shall i say think back...

sunset, feb. 16th

for some reason, i got nostalgic about wired back when it was good, so i started reading random articles from way back. this one on jean-louis gassee and be was great:

Then, when [gassee] discovers a new way of describing his company - as "the Pete's Wicked Ale of computer companies" - he shares his delight: "My nipples harden!"
Gassée recalls that there was a major cultural conflict with which to contend. "I came from France - I spoke my mind. It's a more abrasive culture. I saw the Apple IIGS and said, 'This is fucked!' and it did not amuse some people. In France that's an opening statement.
Gassée recounts, "I had the 'seminal' dinner conversation at Maddalena's when John Sculley asked me what I thought of him, and I answered honestly. After the dinner, the vice president of human resources at Apple, Kevin Sullivan, put his arm around my shoulder and told me he was proud of me. Right there and then, I understood I'd done something irreparable - luckily so."
...described by John Dvorak as "the mind of a Frenchman which is unfortunately trapped inside the body of a Frenchman," a quote Gassée appends to his email...
It somehow brings me back to words Gassée had uttered in a less tranquil moment: "The romance of Silicon Valley was about money - excuse me, about changing the world, one million dollars at a time."

for an idea on how old this article is:

Worthington feels there is a "silliness" to those older operating systems. "On the Mac, you are limited as far as file size. You can't have a file greater than two gigabytes, which is ridiculous because today you can buy a nine-gigabyte drive for $4,000..."
[gassee] also thinks that at some point this year, we'll all be able to "efficiently buy things safely" on the Web, which will have "more refined content and presentation."

jesus fucking christ.

(pic is of a february sunset from the roof of the kimmel center. i'm a big fan of philly skies...)

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I can finally legally wear my purple bikini underwear in Cape May...

"N.J. Beach Town Repeals 30-Year Speedo Ban"

Fin Fang Foom is excited...


"CAPE MAY, N.J. - Come on in, Speedo wearers, the water's fine: Your skimpy little swimsuits are legal now. For more than 30 years, this quaint little Victorian-themed resort at the southern tip of New Jersey said no to "skintight, formfitting or bikini type" bathing attire on males over the age of 12."

"Not that everyone's cheering. It's often the older guys — the ones with beer guts, or wrinkly skin, or unsightly tufts of hair — who wear the tiny swimsuits."

"The swimsuit ban was enacted in the 1960s in response to complaints about gay men who wore the suits on the beach, according to former mayor Robert Elwell, who writes a Cape May history column for a local newspaper." ...and is also queer himself.

On a somewhat related topic, "School Mistakes Huge Burrito for a Weapon."

That happened to me once. That's why Fin Fang Foom must cover up with his mighty purple bikini underwear.